Posted on by michaelwconrad · 2 Comments

A Meditation.

Well, a lot has happened… in many ways it feels like my year is over. Doom Patrol came out and did really well, much better than I could have even imagined really. It seems like our meta love letter was just what the doctor ordered! This fills me with an incredible amount of pride because I know fans of Doom Patrol are outspoken and would have let us know if we made a misstep, but in this case it has left a passionate group calling for more. I know that it’s kind of a long shot, but I’d love to continue to tell stories in this little pocket of the DCU.

Additionally Tremor Dose came out and frankly I had no idea that the book would make the kind of noise it has! As I write this it remains a top seller, and is currently on sale through comiXology for $2.99… which is insanely cheap for 130+ pages… not to mention it’s free to members of Prime, as well as members of comiXology/Kindle Unlimited. If you’re taking the time to read this I would hope that you have read Tremor Dose, as it is the comic that has really defined 2019 for me, and has allowed me to focus on comics full time.

So these things, along with a couple zines, my Tomb of Dracula story at Marvel, and a new online store have all happened leaving me with the obvious question of “What now?”

A few months ago I had strong ideas of what was next. I had tentative work lined up on some incredible projects but one by one these things have dried up. Emails have been slow in coming or altogether unresponded to. I have found myself spending a lot of time wondering if the success has been imagined and I’m just a fucking fraud. I had never heard of imposter syndrome until this year, and even then I had really only heard people use it in the self congratulatory, “Oh my gawd, I’m doing something incredible: IMPOSTER SYNDROME!” kind of way. For me it has been a very real thing, I feel like I can’t trust the positive responses because they haven’t seemed to make anything easier!

That said, at this years North Carolina Comic Con, a show I attended last year, I felt like a proper comics pro. I was able to sign some copies, and for maybe the first time ever feel like I had a voice among the creators we spent evenings with. I felt like my true identity, that of a peer, was acknowledged and that felt wonderful. This is a big thing for me, I don’t know if it’s from years of struggle, not only in comics but in creativity in general I’ve always felt like the odd man out. Feeling like I’m finally getting somewhere is outrageous because I’m so hardwired to expect so little.

I spent a few days after the show laying on the couch. I didn’t know what to do, and then one day I just started typing. I wasn’t exactly churning it out, but I was back in the fight and beginning the process that I have known was the only move… to write and write and write and expect nothing. I’m rebuilding, that little success proved toxic in a way, but now I’ve learned that a bit of success isn’t a magic wand and that I am still in the trenches. I suspect that some who have been following me over the course of 2019 have this idea that I’m a Made Man now and that I can call up DC and say “Hey, I have an Animal Man story that is gonna light the world on fire!” but that just isn’t the case for most freelancers. I have to strap myself to the desk and grind and do what I’ve always done best, which is to make the things that get me off and be pissed.

Being pissed doesn’t require blame. I don’t blame those editors who haven’t written back, or those polite rejections. These are busy people who need to be really careful with what they get behind, a safe bet succeeding or failing in the marketplace isn’t what I can offer. I will always tell stories that are outside of the norm, and to take something like that on and to have it fail can really sink things for an editor who is under a lot of pressure. I understand that as much as some of them would like to take risks, those risks will be reserved for folks who have earned that kind of privilege and I am a loooooong way from that.

Being pissed doesn’t mean kicking the dog, being a cold partner, being mean to yourself, none of that; it means arming yourself and going to war with those bullshit ideations of ego and self loathing. It means not feeling like you’re owed a fucking email, or that you deserve not to get one. It just means that you have to accept that this is part of the war, and it’s how you perform on each battlefield that will determine your longevity, your growth, and maybe even your legacy. Being pissed is what gets you back on your bike and pushing when the hills are many.

So those good things don’t count right now. The bad things are imagined, because in truth things are better today than they were yesterday. I get to sit down to write knowing that I have proven some things to myself that I once doubted, good medicine for someone who has used “imposter syndrome” in a very clinical sense. It means I can take myself seriously and know that if I fail it is not because I lack the fundamental skills, it’s because I haven’t done THE WORK.

Right now THE WORK is to continue to put myself out there, and most importantly to work on things without great expectations. I’m 25 pages into a longform story with my Tremor Dose collaborator Noah Bailey, and I’m loving it. What I’m writing is something that if you told me I would be working on even 2 weeks ago I would have laughed you out of the room. We’re taking a giant swing for the fences without any deal in place, no safety nets, no publisher signed on- just like when we started Tremor Dose. The big difference now is that we have been here before. We have faced this fear and we have learned the mantra. 

“I must not fear.

Fear is the mind-killer.

Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.

I will face my fear.

I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. 

Only I will remain.”

Really though it’s more like the immortal quote of Miyamoto Mushashi “If you know the way broadly you will see it in everything.” In this case the way is simple, accept that there is a ton of work to be done and that is the way of the creator. We are all pushing that stone up the same imagined hill thinking that we are gonna have it easier next time, and perhaps it should be because our metaphorical bodies are becoming hardened to the rigors of the task. But, we keep lumping more and more expectations and fail to notice that in doing so our stone gets bigger and the hill remains steep and full of obstacles. The obstacle we have the greatest control over is our own inner voice chanting insults and self doubt and entitlement. We’ve gotta kill that voice as much as we have to make sure to do the other stuff to secure work and development.

Wow, this has been a rambling one, I guess it’s more of a meditation than a blog post this time around. I don’t know if any of this served the common good, but it’s been important for me to continue to work this stuff out. Come tomorrow I may not even agree with huge portions of what I’ve committed here, but for now this is my truth. These ideas are what’s getting me going again and keeping me motivated to make 2020 a productive and positive year. I look forward to the coming year and it’s great mysteries in part because in that uncertainty is a depth of potential that wasn’t present when I had confounded myself into buying into an illusory idea of what the hell I would be up to.

Live in the mystery.

So let it be written, let it be done.

M 

Posted on by michaelwconrad

24 Hour Comics!

I recently did a 24 Hour comic. For those of you unfamiliar with the challenge it was levied by the great comic creator/scholar Scott Mcloud. Here are the rules:

Create a 24 page comic in 24 continuous hours. That means everything: Story, finished art, lettering, color (if applicable), paste-up, everything. Once pen hits paper, the clock starts ticking. 24 hours later, the pen lifts off the paper, never to descend again. Even proofreading has to occur in the 24 hour period. (Computer-generated comics are fine of course, the same principles apply).

No sketches, designs, plot summaries or any other kind of direct preparation can precede the 24 hour period. Indirect preparation such as assembling tools, reference materials, food, music etc. is fine.

Your pages can be any size, any material. Carve them in stone, print them with rubber stamps, draw them on your kitchen walls with a magic marker. Whatever you makes you happy.

The 24 hours are continuous. You can take a nap, but the clock keeps ticking. If you get to 24 hours and you’re not done, either end it there (“the Gaiman Variation”) or keep going until you’re done (“the Eastman Variation”). I consider both of these “Noble Failure” Variants and true 24 hour comics in spirit; but you must sincerely intend to do the 24 pages in 24 hours at the outset.

I’m proud to say that I was successful in my efforts. Starting at noon on September 19 2019, ending at around 9am September 20. My partner in this affair was the young and talented artist Noah Bailey. Noah created something far more beautiful than I, but he was unable to complete his comic. I say this not as a self-celebration, I only bring it up because the challenge is impossibly hard. Noah approached it as a serious challenge but when he needed a nap he took a nap. When Noah needed to stretch, or eat, or not be buggered down by the thing he allowed himself a few moments. He also took time to make sure that his comic was representative of his high skill level, I was not so precious. 

This is just how I am. When I take something on I put myself into a place where I cannot fail. Call it foolish pride, but I wouldn’t have been able to face myself if I failed to complete the task at hand (or at least give it all I had). I didn’t eat much, didn’t take breaks, didn’t chat much, my only real moments of distraction came in effort to document the event with some live Instagram videos (you can find me on IG @michaelwconrad). I just plain had to complete the task.

I learned a lot about the challenge in this, my first effort, but before I get to those lets do a list of numbers… that’s fun right?

3- G pen nibs (swapped to save time cleaning)

1- panel cut out and taped over a ruined panel

2- refill cartridges for a Pentel brush pen

2- pots of coffee

1- vegan burger

2- oatmeal/peanut butter balls

3- cans of pamplemousse La Croix

1- brief stretch to go hit a Pokestop (lest I lose my streak)

2- hours of a terrible audio book I will not name

1- major spill (Noah poured an energy drink all over his completed pages)

1- lovely spouse who cheered me on (critical)

½- bottle of ink

0- thumbnails (I spent the first hour trying, decided to go without)

Next time I do this challenge I’ll take the following steps to make life easier:

-create templates for the pages I use

-create thumbnail pages ready to fill, in case I decide to use them next time 

-do not use a quill, thick tech pens

-more water/less coffee

-do it alone or with many (so I can wear headphones/not feel like I have to be a host)

-have enough space to hang my work or lay it out as I go for continuity

-improve my pace so I can stretch more, my back STILL hurts

-do not schedule it directly following a convention (MondoCon in this case)

-do better

In the lead up to doing this a lot of people had advice, good and bad alike. I would suggest that you don’t listen to that, each of us have to find our own path. It was really cool to hear others war stories, but I’m not like other people, so some of the stuff they cautioned me against or advocated for proved to only distract me from pursuing my own truth. Hell, I had a few people tell me it was dumb, a waste of time, and even reductive! In my case, the 24 Hour Comics Challenge did exactly what it was meant to do: It pushed me to my limit and gave me an opportunity to remember that I am capable of accomplishing difficult tasks. Were I to have not been able to complete the challenge I would have taken pride in my effort and it would have given me another reminder that I have limitations. 

I look forward to doing it all again next year and schedule permitting, I will do it on the actual day that has been established as the official challenge date… this year it falls on Saturday the 5th of October… Will you take the challenge? Surely if I can do it you can too!

Epilogue: After a brief rest of about 3 hours, I got a call from a major publisher about potentially working on a dream job. While the two things are not connected, I feel this is a reward from the universe for having made a sacrifice. 

How badly do you want your dream? Are you willing to do the impossible?

More: I’m currently setting up my 24 Hour Comic for print. I’ll just go to Kinko’s and make a small run of them. I have been making comics this way for years and I take pride in the fact that I will never stop being that guy. If you’re interested in purchasing a copy I will be sure to follow up with a link (likely after I return from the UK in a few weeks).

Most Important: Bizarre Adventures comes out on October 2, 2019… this is tomorrow at the time I write this. In the pages of the aforementioned book I make my mainstream debut with a Tomb Of Dracula story I am very proud of. Marvel fucking Comics… who woulda thought! I hope you pick it up and let me know what you think.

So let it be written, let it be done.

M

Posted on by michaelwconrad

Loosely Interpreted Social Testimonials

Lately I’ve had a number of people reach out to me in congratulations regarding my recent accomplishments in writing. Their information largely coming directly from me via my various social media platforms. In a way, this means that I am doing a fine job representing myself as someone who is moving forward, grabbing at that Big Dream and making it happen. In other ways it feels like I have been a bit disingenuous. Allow me to explain in list form! I have no interest in making anyone feel like they aren’t witnessing a success story (for my own ego as well as for the sake of potentially inspiring others) but I do wish to contextualize the whole thing a bit better.

Before I really dip in, give me just a moment to say that I feel like a success. I feel like I’m edging ever closer to being able to look in the mirror and see someone who I am proud to be. Right now I see someone who, in honest self appraisal could stand to work harder, even though I know I am working very hard. I see someone who could stand to slow down and be reasonable, even though I know I have been relatively reasonable. I see someone who can push harder, even though I know I’m breaking my back even as we speak. I’m a work in progress, thank you very much.

THE GRAPHIC NOVEL- I’ve kind of teased this graphic novel online but I remain unable to speak much about it due to contractual agreements. I’ve shared pictures of stacks of paper, roughs, letters, and little unidentified images. I’ve hopefully shared just enough to let you know something’s cooking. What doesn’t get seen is the THREE YEARS of effort toward the goal. I don’t show myself welling with tears in frustration over my lack of ability. I don’t show the spats I’ve shared with the artist, and the neutered agony of having to call in my partner to help format things. I haven’t shown the embarrassing stumbles on the way, the anxiety associated with the project, and the horrific pitching process (which couldn’t have been better really, I’m just really bad at salesmanship). I haven’t shown this stuff because… that’s comics.

TOMB OF DRACULA- This one was pretty easy, and it’ll be the first thing that I’ve written for a major publisher. This was done in collaboration with Becky Cloonan, my aforementioned heroic partner. 

If you want to test the strength of a relationship I suggest you give collaborating passionately on a project with your lover. The result of ours is that you’ll get an AWESOME short featuring everyone’s favorite bloodsucker and you won’t be burdened with the ups and downs that come with the creative process. We made something incredible, but the process reminded us of that old adage about how you have to “kill your babies”.  The story is better than expected in part because some of my favorite moments hit the cutting room floor. You won’t see that pain, you won’t know it unless you do something like this. It’s not glamorous, and you feel like a real diaper baby when you’re dying to squeeze in that one critical line and it ultimately is decided to be superfluous.

This will be in BIZARRE ADVENTURES #1 out October 2, 2019 from Marvel Comics.

HEY, AMATEUR!- Kickstarter is scary. Before I get to that, let me explain how I fought my way into this book… well maybe that’s hyperbolic, but I did send a lot of emails. I jocked this project so hard because it meant I would get to know Shelly (see my first post). Bless her for letting me in, it remains a huge honor. 

What I didn’t know was that Kickstarter is the kind of thing that eats your heart unless you hit funding right away. For a month I checked the site multiple times a day and each time I felt sick. For most of the campaign it looked like funding might not happen. While Google told me the final 48 hours were the determining value of a Kickstarter I had already developed an ulcer about the whole thing. I didn’t want to fail, I didn’t want Shelly to fail, fuck failing. Failing sucks, I know it all too well. I’ll have giant blog posts in the future about them, I could write volumes on the matter. I didn’t want that old familiar thing in my life, not this time. 

We ended up making the funding goal (and then some) and I’m happy to say my script has been served and approved. Don’t look behind the curtain at the man sweating and clicking refresh on the page for an entire month. He doesn’t exist anywhere but here and in my memory.

HEY, AMATEUR! Will be delivered in 2020 from Black Crown Publishing

DOOM PATROL #5- Yay, it’s coming out in November 2019! Did you know the story sold about 2 years ago? I wrote it right away and was ready to rip but delays started and seemed like it might be over several times. Did you know that I had given up on it, renewed my faith, given up again, and again, and again, for years? Did you know it had 3 editors and with each editor I feared that SOMEONE was going to say “Who the hell is this guy and why should I give him any ink?” Did you know that when the initial announcements were made I was scared that I would be forgotten or left out even though I had poured his soul into a thing and would likely not even get to enjoy a moment of shine for the troubles? Thankfully the folks at DC were kind, the editors believed in me, Gerard and Jeremy supported me, and again my partner Becky had my back because she knew that we were worth it… even when I began to question. Becky has since revealed that she too had those same concerns, but in her damn near angelic way suppressed those fears and was strong for both of us.

DOOM PATROL #6 will be out November 6, 2019 from DC Comics

THE INVISIBLE MONSTERS- They are legion. These are the ones that couldn’t make it. They exist as files, Google Docs, unfinished work, pitches, outlines, and the worst… unanswered emails. It’s the ones you don’t see that will kill you like a disease, more deadly than a man with a knife. I have learned to keep my damn mouth shut about potential projects (I still tease some of these on twitter… but I get EXCITED) because talking about it scares them away. I’ve had some real close calls with INCREDIBLE opportunities. These encounters far outnumber the mini celebrations of the self I trot out every now and then on social media.

I don’t tell you about those emails that never came back. I don’t tell you about what a fucking tool you feel like when you feel ready to dunk and come up with a whiff of rank nothingness. I avoid painting a picture of myself waiting for a ride that will never come because it’s a bad look. I share this now so that you will understand that these great strides are being committed by someone who is well accustomed to the practice of dusting himself off.

There’s plenty of other stuff, but what the hell, that will do, I need to hang on to some stuff for future blogs anyway. As I typed that last bit I chuckled to myself, I don’t need to hang on to any stories of hardship and failure, I have plenty more ahead of me.

So why do I share the sunny stuff? Why do I congratulate myself publically and hope you feel good about seeing a normal guy get his? Well shit, I hope I’ve earned it, and haven’t lost myself in the process. My steps have been small, but to me it’s been what has kept me feeling like one day that mirror is going to reflect the way I wish to see myself.

So let it be written, let it be done.

M

Oh yeah I turned 40, and I don’t feel a day over 100. Thanks for all the kind Birthday wishes.