I spent the last two weeks in the UK with Becky exploring ruins, doing comic related things, and looking for giants in some of the most beautiful areas of Scotland. During that time I had a pitch I was pretty excited about die on the vine and faced the depression that accompanies a project nearing completion. It’s pretty messed up to be bummed while having the opportunity to do something I have long dreamed of doing, with the person I love.

Creativity has a way of making everything else melt away. I’m at my best when I’m chipping away and making headway, and now I am in the uncanny position of figuring out what comes next. 

Bizarre Adventures came out and people seemed really stoked on our Tomb Of Dracula story. I am so happy that my Marvel debut wasn’t a flop, but really, I knew it wouldn’t be with Becky on art, the same can be said for Doom Patrol which comes out in about a week. I know that it’s going to do well, because Becky is almost incapable of doing something that doesn’t connect with a big audience. In two days time a real test stands before me.

Tremor Dose, my 100+ page graphic novel with artist Noah Bailey drops as part of the comiXology Originals line. Noah and I worked on this book for 3 long years. It started as a small zine and just grew and grew and grew. I always knew the story I wanted to tell, but I just plain didn’t think I would be able to convince Noah to put so much time and energy into such a long form endeavor. When Chip Mosher and Ivan Salazar stuck their necks out for us and got us a contract all of that changed.

Our little boutique idea was suddenly so much more. We had a lot to finish and it was scary, and exhilarating, and supremely stressful. Prior to the contract we picked away at it, like most creators do with their passion projects. We found time to knock out a page here and there, and as such we had a lot of room to micromanage and make sure everything was just right. This set the bar incredibly high, so when it became funded we both had a lot of anxiety about being able to maintain that level of quality under deadline. There were intense moments, but we did it and I couldn’t be more pleased with the results.

Now it’s done. We have PR people doing their thing, and we are of course doing what we can to spread the word. We know that we’re nobodies, and that only a small handful of folks will pick up the books on the power of our social reach, and know that this book will live and die by a number of factors well outside of our control. 

It’s fucking terrifying and sad.

The fear is normal, it exists because we care, and we have had our neural pathways written to expect failure. We are absolutely “dark cloud” kind of people, trying desperately to manifest goodness and success through positive thinking, but for guys like us that is abnormal and strange. The sadness comes from uncertainty. When we were working on Tremor Dose we were so incredibly hyped we began to dream. We dreamed of the book making a huge splash, throwing a giant boot right through the doors to our dream house, a place in which we would set up residence. We would chain ourselves to the radiators and keep it up until someone had enough of us and lit the structure ablaze. Even in fantasy sequences it would end, but the fact that there would be a moment of ease where we would be able to explore greenlights and less traffic on our creative path was what kept the cogs of the machine turning.

Now it’s about to happen and the reality of the matter is right there for us to sniff at and check it’s pulse. Reality is a grim prospect when you are done with a project, the dreams don’t last unless you tell someone about them, but that feels like bragging or pandering. So you kind of shut down and realize how hopeless it could really be… we could have done all that work to build a monument to our creative partnership only to have it swallowed up by the ivy of indifference. So you start to look at the next thing and transpose all your goodwill into it.

This is part of why people keep making things, because that sucking void at the end is too much and we have to drop anchor on another safer shore, a more mysterious place that hasn’t been spoiled by reality. 

I’m trying something different this time. I’m sticking around, prepared to go down with the ship. I think she’s sturdy and I think that she’s seaworthy enough to make it through. Tremor Dose is fucking good, it’s great, and I was part of it. Yes, as a freelancer I have to be looking for more work, but so often when something is done I have already taken off sprinting in the other direction to distance myself from whatever praise or critique or worse, indifference is earned. This time it’s different, this book is too much of my soul, I can’t leave.

I’ve done some awesome stuff you’ve never seen. I didn’t bounce out of the back of a turnip truck with comics in hand, I’ve been making things for years. I have made some things that I’ve felt were on par and better than some of your favorite books, I mean that! I have also made absolute shit, that I’m glad to have had avoid your radar. Like I say the Marvel and DC work has been carefully couched in the security of major publishers, multiple editors, and the Cloonan Midas Touch… Tremor Dose is different. Tremor Dose is the product of two men walking out of the wilderness with an offering of some obscure, esoteric origin. This alien thing that I struggle to explain plainly is about as much “me” as anything I have done, and that, dear reader, is the real horror. If this book is so much “me” and I cannot explain it, then who the fuck am I.

Does this post feel like a therapy session? Does any of it ring true to you? Am I the on on the couch or am I the one holding the clipboard? I think the answer is we are all in this thing together. We roam the labyrinth of our comically short lives seeking some validation and when we apply some totemic quality to what we have done it’s both brave and foolish. I have never claimed bravery, but I’m quite comfortable playing the fool.

So let it be written, let it be done.

M.

***Tremor Dose is available on comiXology on October 30 2019.